Report on assignment; Dated April 28, 2013.
I want to thank you, Mr. President, for giving to me the chance to represent our great nation. I know it is not the most elegant assignment, to bring civilization to these backward thinking obstinate foreigners, but we do what we can. If only one of them becomes a friend, then our time and effort has been worthwhile.
As I arrived, I made sure to bring lots of things that represent our culture. We have such a great history and such wealth and success, the more we show what we can do, the more impressed these people will be. I spent the first month arranging the offices of the embassy. We brought in the best works of our own literature and history to the library. We brought in great works of art to decorate our public spaces– actually they are copies of greats works because we are not sure how safe they would be out here. We positioned, inside the walls that separate this outpost from the city, a large and prominent flag pole and raised our great banner so it is seen even in the evening, with lights shining up from the ground.
We have been careful to bring in from home food and forms of entertainment for our employees. They have everything they need without having to expose themselves to the outside city.
I have taken a great deal of my time in reading from our own historians and sociologists on the culture of this country. This way I do not need to learn the language here. Since we want them to become like we are, it is not important to learn what they are doing.
For security reasons, we let go all of the local staff that were hired from foreign nationals and have brought over bring young American college interns to do these jobs. We have had no more of those misunderstandings that used to happen.
I can report that I have found things here to be just as I expected. They are backward. They are wrong thinking. They do everything in an un-American way here in this country. As I look out from my high office through the telescope I had mounted, I can observe the people from a safe distance. Nothing has changed in my thinking, I am glad to say.
This is what we have accomplished. We have reduced the number of contacts and visitors to only those who are prepared to speak to us as we are accustomed. So while that is a reduction in the number of interactions, from what were 1000 calls and visits each week, to a mere 25 now, we feel these are of a greatly improved quality.
Some have accused us of being of no help to the recent anti American protests here. I am able to say that we did use our loud speakers to play patriotic music from home towards those crowds who were shouting “Americans Go Home.” That is, until they for some reason cut the power to the embassy.
I thank you for your continued trust, and hope to continue here until you find me an assignment in a more congenial country
Yours sincerely, Ambassador Alexander B. Strong.
Reply: April 30, 2013
Dear Ambassador Strong.
You are fired, effective immediately.
Please return home at once.
Your Commander in Chief.